I Haven’t Written in Years

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I wish it was that simple because that statement isn’t quite true. I’ve written. I’ve posted on medium and my fictional pieces in other places. That’s not the writing I’m talking about.

The writing I’m talking about is scriptwriting. It’s what I decided I wanted to go to school for. The thing that I decided I wanted to do with my life years ago. I wanted to express myself in written word. Wanted to be able to help others with situations I was going through myself.

I want to know where that went.

At the same time, I think I know exactly where it went. I lost all focus and confidence in myself. I gave up trying to unlock any of my potential and decided to …be. It’s the worst thing I could have possibly done.

Settling is not an option and I don’t know how I forgot that. It’s been in my face for years, the fact that I don’t have the means to just settle for less than what I want the most. It’s not fair to myself or the future that I want. It’s not like doing that will get me anywhere.

I need to fight harder to pull down the wall and the block that I put up. I’m not entirely sure how to do this yet. I don’t know how to find myself again or even where I went in so many words.

I just know that I can’t continue the trajectory that I’m on.

How do you pick up the things you fell in love with again? How do you find yourself when you’ve gotten completely lost in a life that you despise for how mundane it is? How lost you’ve become in the mundane.

I’m a writer. That much has always been obvious to me. There’s nothing else that I do well. (I shouldn’t say that, I know, there are things) But writing is what I love. Creating and sharing things is the place that makes me the happiest.

Somewhere along the way I got lost in the “is it profitable?” and lost myself in thinking that I’m not good enough for it. It’s not a mindset that I need to live in, not the place I deserve to be in.

I’ve worked too hard to be here.

I need to work on making something out of myself again. It’s something that I need to do for myself and not for anyone else. I need to find my way out of this stupid rut that I’m in and figure out what is up and what is down.

Going to set myself a goal now.

By next Friday I want to have a short sketch script finished. It doesn’t have to be anything special. It can be complete crap if it needs to be. But 5 pages need to be completed on some level.

This way I can get back to finding myself. I can get back to drawing and be creative. To respond to my friends and figure out where I’m supposed to be and how I get somewhere from this position.

Have you ever hit such a wall that you didn’t even realize you’d lost yourself? Please share your experiences. I would love to hear your stories too.

Might give me that pop of inspiration that I’ve been looking and hoping for.